Tonks and Lupin: Until the Very End

1. After the Battle

An exhausted and devastated Tonks and Lupin returned in the early hours of the morning to the Headquarters of the Order. Moody was asleep at his house, taking one of his rare breaks, and neither had the heart to go and wake him and tell him what had happened. Kingsley and McGonagall, the only other members close by that weren't on other business, were with the Minister at Hogwarts. The silence was thick with sadness and tension because of the things Tonks had said desperately in front of the others.
She felt guilty for speaking so rashly and at such a bad time; she hated it when he argued so stubbornly. But she meant every word. Now, as she and Lupin sat silently across from each other in the kitchen of number 12, Grimmauld Place, she felt almost angry with him. She hated how he thought so stubbornly that he wasn't good enough for her. He was so kind, and the past months of him ignoring her had been agony. She couldn't remember ever being so unhappy before.
They had met two years before, when she'd joined the Order of the Phoenix. Mad-Eye, her retired (not really, but he tried) teacher from the Ministry, had contacted her and told her the beginning to end story of how Voldemort had returned to power, but that the Ministry was already denying these claims. He told of an Order that he had been part of during the first Wizarding war. Dumbledore was forming it once again, having already found several trusted members.
The Order of the Phoenix.
When Moody had invited her to join them, she'd agreed without hesitation. She wanted to help, wanted to stand and fight. The Auror's wouldn't be seeing much action if the Ministry was only denying Voldemort was back.
The day she had gone to number 12, Grimmauld Place, Lupin had been the first person she met. He reproached Mad-Eye for bringing someone so "young".
She remembered it perfectly...
She walked into the drafty entry, noticing the hangings over the paintings with curiosity.
She followed Mad-Eye into a spacious but long-unused kitchen where two men were sitting, one with longer, rather unkempt black hair whom Tonks immediately recognized as Sirius Black. As she knew the true story of these events, however, she was not alarmed. Next to him sat a handsome man; several gray hairs contradicted the younger, though worn, age of his face. He had kind, understanding blue eyes. She liked him immediately.
They both looked up as Mad-Eye entered the dirty kitchen, followed by Tonks.
"Mad-Eye," Sirius greeted at once, "I'm glad you're here, I have a question about something I've found upstairs. Some bloody "family artifact" Kreacher keeps trying to steal from me-never mind that it's cursed." He rolled his eyes. Tonks smiled slightly, already liking this man also.
They didn't seem to notice her yet.
Right as Mad-Eye was about to leave the kitchen with Sirius, he looked at Tonks, "This is Remus Lupin." He gestured to the handsome man before them.
"Remus, this is Nymphadora Tonks." He introduced.
She gritted her teeth, hoping this man wouldn't call her Nymphadora.
She smiled at him, as he studied her for a moment and then turned angrily to Mad-Eye,
"What are you playing at?" He demanded sharply.
"Don't start Remus-"
"Mad-Eye! I thought you weren't going to bring anyone else young in! You do remember what happened to most of our younger members last time don't you?" Said Lupin.
"I don't have time for this..." Mad-Eye muttered. Tonks knew he had Order business Dumbledore had entrusted him that day.
"I'm fine Mad-Eye, I'm sure I can answer all of Lupin's questions." She reassured him.
"Alright- Remus, if I hear you were a git to her, you'll have me to answer to." Moody said warningly. "Let me have a quick look at what you've got up there Sirius." Moody said, heading towards the staircase with Sirius.
She turned back to the Remus Lupin fellow, and found him still staring.
"What?" She asked impatiently. She didn't want to be rude, but what exactly was so interesting about her? She thought they wanted new members to join their Order; why was this Lupin bloke so surprised and angry?
"How old are you?" He asked quietly.
"Twenty-one." She answered, though she thought perhaps she should have lied and told him she was older.
"How old are you?" She asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
"Thirty-four." He said, sounding preoccupied.
"Twenty-one...you're certain you want to join the Order of the Phoenix? You're related-"
"To Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy, I know." She cut him off impatiently. "I can't really do anything about that. It's not like Bellatrix hasn't tried to kill me before. What difference does it make why she wants to?" She said, offended that he thought he could talk her out of this, or worse, scare her out of this.
"How has she had the chance to get at you before now?" He asked.
"I'm an Auror at the Ministry of Magic; Mad-Eye taught me everything I know." She said; hoping this would earn her at least some respect as far as ability to protect herself went. She wasn't disappointed.
"Oh, that's um...congrats. If Moody taught you, I'm sure that you know what you're doing." He conceded hesitantly, as though he couldn't believe she really was old enough to do whatever she wanted.
"I'm twenty-one, perfectly old enough to make decisions for myself." She insisted, trying not to sound as annoyed as she felt.
He nodded, defeated...
She was brought abruptly back to the present moment in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, by Lupin's sad sigh. Dumbledore's death, Lupin's rejection, Bill's injury, all flooded back to her with painful clarity, and to her utter dismay, tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks, though she tried to check them, it was no use. She looked over at Lupin, the man she...loved, and the tears only came faster when she saw that his eyes were wet as well, though he still refused to meet her gaze. She hated to admit it, but she missed the warmth in his eyes, the humor dancing in them when he told a joke. And she couldn't be mad at him anymore, despite everything he had put her through.
Trying to see clearly through her tears, she noticed Lupin still had blood on his face where a Death Eater had cut him on the forehead; his face was exhausted, miserable. She didn't really stop to consider her actions, but a sudden wave of tenderness for him swept over her. She Summoned a clean cloth out of the drawer and silently charmed it so that it became damp. She moved around the table to where he was sitting, and offered it to him.
He didn't move. She sighed and gently tilted his face up so she could wipe away the blood.
He seemed to come back to present, tense while she was touching his face.
She turned reluctantly to go, before she could, however, Lupin grabbed her hand to keep her from going. He pulled her down carefully to sit beside him. As she looked at him, surprised, he met her gaze for the first time in months. A sort of bittersweet joy filled her heart at the sight of his blue eyes, which were also filled with tears.
For a moment they were simply frozen, staring into each other's eyes.
She couldn't breathe as he slowly, as though he wasn't sure yet whether he should, leaned forward and met her lips. Joy as sudden as a firework burst through her, and she wrapped her arms around him. He kissed her so gently that more tears came to her eyes. Her face was cupped tenderly in his hands; the moment stole her breath completely.
The spell broke only when they finally broke apart; staring into each other's eyes.
Lupin's eyes were shining and the tender look in them made her catch her breath. His hands still held her face, and he stroked her cheek softly, gazing deeply into her eyes, "Dora..." He murmured, pulling her into his arms, holding her tight.
An inexplicable emotion filled her when he called her 'Dora.' He used to, when they were only friends, and he hadn't known of her feelings yet, but through the last year, he had reverted back to Tonks.
All of a sudden she was crying again. She wasn't sure why, she just knew she didn't seem to be able to help it.
Too much had happened that night. He stroked her hair, and she felt wetness sinking into it, his breathing uneven, and knew he was shedding tears right along with her.
He had always been good friends with Dumbledore, who had let him into Hogwarts as a young boy despite his being a werewolf. And had employed him to teach at Hogwarts three years previously. She wished she could ease the pain of this for him.
They held each other for a long while, the kitchen fire warming them. Her tears ebbed after time in his arms, and his breathing evened out, and still he continued to hold her. She wasn't in any hurry to move.
Tonks was nearly asleep when he loosened his arms carefully. She sat up straight and looked into his eyes again. They were tired and sad, but he looked a bit more peaceful.
Finally Lupin spoke, "We can't stay here tonight." He said wearily.
She clapped her forehead with her hand. "I didn't even think of it!" She gasped. Dumbledore had been the Secret Keeper for Grimmauld Place and now that he was gone, that duty was transferred... to the twenty or so other members of the Order...which included Snape.
"Come on," She said, getting up, "Let's go."
He followed suit, "Is there anything important to the Order here?" He asked, looking around.
"Just some papers in here." Tonks replied, opening a drawer and taking out a stack.
"Ah yes." Lupin said thoughtfully, looking through them quickly.
"We should take them with us, just in case Mad-Eye wants them." Tonks said.
"Right." He said.
"Where are we going to sleep tonight? At first I thought my parents', but they're not at home. We'd give them a dreadful fright for sure, going through their magical barriers." She said hurriedly. Concern set into his features.
"Well, the same would hold true for the Weasley's. Besides, I suspect Molly and Arthur are still at Hogwarts with Bill. That leaves my place." He said awkwardly. "It's not big or anything, but just for tonight it ought to be fine." He said.
"Are you sure you don't mind-"
"I'm not going to leave you here." He said firmly, sounding a tad alarmed.
"Come on." He said, offering his arm.
She took it and they Disapparated. They landed in front of a small cottage, tidy, but plain. She had never been to his place before, but she rather liked it. Before they went inside, Tonks and Lupin set several protective spells and enchantments around the place.
All the Order members had to protect their houses these days.
The inside was much like the outside. Tidy, but very sparsely decorated and had the air of a place that, while clean, wasn't often inhabited. She liked it though; she could see the charm in the place.
There was one bedroom, a small kitchen, with a table and three chairs and a sitting room with an old, comfy looking sofa, armchair, and rocking chair, and a small fireplace.
"Like I said, not all that nice, but it'll do..." He said awkwardly.
"I think it's nice." She said honestly. She'd always been fond of cottages.
He glanced over at her dubiously, and she tried to smile at him. A staggering sense of déjà vu hit her; this felt almost the same as when Sirius had died. Her eyes filled with tears again, and she looked down, angry that she didn't have better control over herself.
She felt almost embarrassed all of a sudden. Very conscious of the fact that Lupin was standing right next to her; she turned away, attempting to stop crying. Lupin noticed, he silently took her hand and led her over to the couch, putting an arm around her.
I'm awfully weepy tonight. She thought to herself.
After a couple minutes, she was finally able to pull herself together a bit.
"Sorry..." She muttered, attempting to dry her eyes on the sleeve of her robe. It wasn't exactly what you'd call absorbent material. She gave up that and looked at Lupin, who seemed to have lost his speech capabilities for a moment.
"Don't apologize. What are friends for?" He said, and then tensed all of a sudden, as though he was expecting her next words.
Her eyes narrowed, "Friends? You know, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't meet a lot of friends who kiss each other." She said, her temper igniting, "I never see Harry kissing Hermione and they're best friends. Maybe we should just ask them?" She said, her voice rising.
She stood up, too angry to sit, and paced back and forth a couple times, shaking her head angrily at his next words.
Lupin's eyes had fallen to the floor again, his head in his hands. She pushed away the pity she felt for him- he was the one who had said that. This was his fault – he knew how she would take that.
"You know how I feel about this Dora, I'm too old for you, too poor, and too dangerous, besides-"
She cut him off, "You are not too old for me! If I thought you were we wouldn't even be having this discussion! And I'm poor anyways! I have job, what else are they for? And if I was really so worried about danger, an Auror wouldn't have been my career choice would it? Did you lie to me after Sirius died? Did you mean ANYTHING that you said to me?" She yelled.
She didn't mean to yell, hadn't meant to bring up Sirius. She didn't want to fight, but she was fed up with his stubbornness.
He chuckled slightly, humorlessly, "Why do you have to be so good at arguing?" He said, sounding pained.
She didn't speak for fear she'd yell again. But bit her tongue and sat down next to him, shoulders slumped, defeated again; she waited to hear what he had to say.
"Dora, it's not about whether I care for you or not, it's about what's best for you..." He began. She didn't let him get farther.
"Well I'm sick of what's best for me.
Can't you see how wrong you are about yourself Remus?
I don't know how long we've all got; Voldemort kills people every day, hard to say who'll be next. I wanna live, not cower in a corner. I wanna fight and if he, or Bellatrix, finds me, I want to stand up to them, and if someone kills me, so be it. At least I'll have made it a little bit harder for him. At least then I'll die without regrets!" She said hotly.
She got what she wanted, Lupin finally looked at her again, and she saw pain in his eyes.
"Don't ever say that." He snapped.
"What?" She said just as angrily.
"That he's going to kill you. He's NOT." He said, his voice hard, "He'll have to kill me first before he can get to you. I love you too much to-" He stopped suddenly; obviously he hadn't meant to speak that last bit out loud. But those three words in the midst of the other angry ones had disarmed Tonks completely. And she felt hope spark in her again; more vulnerable than if she were standing before a Death Eater without a wand.
"Did you just...do you mean...what did you say?" She whispered, stammering, her voice seeming to fail her a bit.
He turned to her with anguish and guilt in his eyes.
"Dora, please." He begged.
Her gaze was locked with his, and she couldn't have looked away if she'd wanted to. She wished he would just accept the fact that she was always going to love him. Couldn't he see that there was never anyone else for her? He was the only one. Something he saw in her eyes made him speak, finally crash all of his defense, his barriers.
"I love you so much." He whispered, closing his eyes as he said it, as though he was afraid that she would recoil, ashamed of himself.
She couldn't hold back a second longer. She kissed him, her lips crashing into his, passion filling every part of her brain, overcoming her rationality.
For a moment, he didn't move at all, and then he answered her kiss as ardently as she'd given it. Her hands held his face, and his were in her hair and on her face. And she couldn't breathe. Tears spilled over onto his hand, and he moved his mouth from hers just long enough to kiss them away. He kissed her again, but slower this time.
They broke apart after a few minutes, their breathing shallow, and she laid her head on his shoulder. His eyes were misty. After a moment, when she could speak again, she pulled back.
Looking directly into his eyes,
"I love you too, Remus." She whispered.
He gathered her close in his arms, kissing her hair.
A few moments later, she began to laugh.
Lupin looked surprised.
For some reason, the fact that they had been yelling at each other moments before they had kissed seemed suddenly hilarious.
"What?" He asked a bit self-consciously.
She attempted to convey this to him.
"Just...I was yelling..." She was overcome again, and it was a minute before she could control herself enough to speak, "And I was...so mad at y...you. And then...we..." She trailed off on purpose that time.
Now Lupin was laughing with her, though he looked a bit guilty.
They eventually got a hold of themselves.
She could tell Lupin was already feeling guilty again.
"Please Remus," She said seriously,
"Don't berate yourself. You always judge yourself so much more harshly than everyone else. When we could all learn a lesson or two from you." She said softly.
"You know, when we first met, you scared me half to death. Still do. You're so young, so beautiful. Back then, I couldn't imagine you taking out Death Eaters. And yet you've proved yourself time and time again. And I...fell in love with you. I didn't want to tell you what I was, afraid I'd lose you, even though I knew I was going to have to give you up..."
They both fell silent, remembering that night. It was just after Sirius's death, and their feelings for each other had finally surfaced. But she'd been denied over and over by Lupin, who insisted that he "wasn't good enough for her". She never believed it for a second. The trouble was getting him to believe it. She thought she was nearly there now, though.
"Are you sure? Really, really sure?" He asked, looking seriously into her eyes. "I am poor, and thirteen years older than you, and a-"
She stood up, throwing her hands in the air.
"How many times do I have to tell you that I DON'T CARE?" She exclaimed. "I really just don't! I love YOU. Not money or my age, nor am I phobic of werewolves." She said, teasing a bit there at the end.
He smiled a little in spite of himself.
"I'm glad you're sure, because I'm tired of trying to find good reasons for keeping us apart; none of them are good enough." He said, surrendering at last.
He stood up and faced her, putting both hands on her shoulders.
"Thank God for that." He said, sounding relieved.
She stood still as if she'd been Stunned. For a moment she thought she might have imagined it, then his words registered and she realized she had not, in fact, been hallucinating.
She gave a cry of delight and threw herself at him, kissing him with an ardor she hardly knew she possessed. She felt weak with relief and joy that he had finally quit, that their long, painful separation was over at last.
He returned the kiss passionately, caressing her face, tangling his hands in her hair. After several more minutes, Tonks felt sort of light-headed. She wasn't sure whether she was giddy or lacking in oxygen. She didn't really care which.
She felt as though the world had stopped. Time was frozen just for the two of them.